it's been a whole month since i've written. i don't know why. laziness. busy-ness. forgetfulness. lack of direction or caring. i don't know. maybe a combination of the two. i care. i do. i just sometimes get selfish and busy and there is no excuse for it. so i right now humbly apologize.
i went to The I Heart Revolution: We're All in This Together world debut last night and it got me thinking and excited. i've got to get on it. people. people matter. god. then people. then me. i live so much of my life thinking about MY decisions. when, the truth of the matter is that i have no say. yes. some of a say. but i deserve no say in eternity. when i make all of these decisions, it's just going to come down to the point that some day i am going to die. and the only thing that is going to matter is Eternity. in heaven. i know i'm going to heaven. i know it. i've doubted it. examined it. thought about it. and now it's just time to stop testing God and believe. "If i find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy, then i can only conclude that i, i was not made for here." (Brooke fraser quoting c.s. lewis.) i am not meant for this world. i can choose to see the other dimension or i can comfortably accept the one i am in. but the problem with accepting the dimension i'm in is that there are too many things that are not yet figure-out-able... leaving me longing for that other dimension that i so strategically try to ignore and doubt in my head.
you know. humans in general are funny creatures. we spend our whole lives fighting for success. fame. looking for ourselves... whoever that is. and i admit- i do wish to find myself. but i'll never find myself if I am looking in myself. you see... i am not of myself. i was Created. that means that at one point i wasn't and now i was. if you go back, you'll see that i. i was created by my parents. and some days i find my identity in them. so if i was looking from the world's point of view- that's where i'd start looking for myself- in my parents. and they looked for themselves in their parents and their parents looked for themselves in their parents. generational sin in a nutshell. but something happens when a child decides to be different from their parents. they look for it in their friends who got their identity from their parents or from other friends. and everyone slowly starts looking and acting quite similar. quite in the box. and that wouldn't be "myself" at all. so i find my identity in christ. the perfect example. yes. the Perfect example. so many people fight the bible. don't give it a chance. i do it myself somedays when i most definitely shouldn't cause it's the only foundation i have. i choose to find my confidence in the One who never changes. who i can constantly ask for communication. who will show me himself consistently instead of me having to try and figure everything out. I'll probably have a boyfriend one day if God wills it. and he's probably going to be amazing seeing as it would be only by God's will that i have one. So one day if i have that boyfriend, i am going to want to spend alot of time getting to know him. alot of time. hopefully my whole life. and i hope to do that with God too. but the difference between God and a boyfriend is that God never changes. Now one might say- "That's no fun to figure out at all... wouldn't it be more fun to be around someone who changes who you can be surprised by often and who is dynamic?!" well.
point 1: the point isn't to be fun although in some instances that would be quite preferable. if the whole world were meant for fun, then we're doing a pretty bad job at it ourselves. i'd rather joy than this fun that tries to mimick joy and fails horribly.... so it's not about fun.
point 2: frankly... one day when my boyfriend and i are old and gray... or even just in our forties.... i'd probably get sick of him trying to change all the time. imagine it- if your friend was constantly changing and becoming something new... it'd be hard to have consistency in your relationship. yes. i want my boyfriend to change himself for the better- in order that he become more consistent. we continually learn, mold, shape, and change ourselves to those things that we one day hope will be a constant. for example. i am changing all the time in my prayer life. some days are good. some days stink. some days i am stubborn then repent at the end of the day. and some days i just rejoice and talk to god all day. i haven't gotten to the point where i feel like yelling at him all day but i'm sure it might come someday for growth purposes. my prayer changes day by day (even though it shouldn't)... but the reason why it changes so much is because an inner battle is going on and one day i hope that i will consistenly talk to my Lord every waking moment. i am changing right now so that one day i might be consistent. likewise consistency is good i believe. that is what i desire in a boyfriend (and eventually a husband) and i am thankful that my Lord is always cosistent. a consistent foundation. not rocky but a rock. not build on shifting, changing sand but on the Rock. and unless my marriage/relationships are also based on that rock, they will never last. they will constantly keep on changing.
Likewise. i need that Rock to have consistency (seeing as i am always changing). If i am continually changing to find myself WITHOUT first having that rock in place, then i will never find just ONE, TRUE "ME", cause that one true me will always be changing. if i have that rock that never changes, then model myself after Him, then i can find the parts of Him that remain in me all the time. We all have traits of His. Bits of his mercy and faith and all his other traits. each person has different traits of God's in different porportions. We all have access to all traits, but some just are more strongly reflected in certain people. likewise, when you attach yourself to that Rock and learn it's traits, THEN AND ONLY THEN can you start comparing yourself to it. you can have a consistent analysis. if the components of an experiment are always changing, you will never have a consistent conclusion to your hypothesis. if my hypothesis is that i am patient, sometimes rude, loving generally, and creative with the arts, then i'll never know if i truly am unless i have something solid and unchanging to test it against. Rather, SOMEONE, to test it against. if i want to find the exact perfect amound of apple cider to put in my tea, in a normal experiment, i would keep the rest of the tea the same, then just test different amounts of apple cider in it. If i changed the amount of tea at any time, then my experiment would be inconsistent and i would not have a solid conslusion. there would be too many variables. God is the tea. He is unchanging. He is consistent. His amount of everything stays the same. Consistency. I am the cider. i am looking for myself. who i am. well, unless i have the solid Rock of God (keep the same amount of tea) i will never be able to tell if i am the one changing or if the tea amount is changing.
We must have a solid rock to stand upon or we'll never find who we truly are. Life is not an experiment. It is a divine plan. But if it were, God would be the constant and we'd be the cider. We cannot find ourselves in all the other people who are changing as well or we'll never be able to tell which trait is ours as opposed to which trait is theirs.
The conclusion- we are all looking for ourselves. i will choose to have my rock in Christ and God. They are the only ones who will never change. I. I change all the time. But it is all in hopes that i might become consistent in something.
We're All in This Together talked about how everyone is so consumed by looking for themselves. But when we look to God and ask for His heart and His purposes rather than our own, we find what we truly are- sinful yet forgiven. wierd yet accepted. divinely created different yet very the same in so many ways. And we realize that we're all in this together. It's amazing that one man died for me and it took care of the rest of my sins for the rest of my life. i don't quite understand it fully. the transaction is foreign. yet the reaction it creates in me is quite close to my heart.
i have found, i believe, that God has granted me with the gift of thought. Trust me, it's a gift. i've been without it many days of my life (although it's quite short in comparison). But he's regiven it to me. i chose to lose it. But now i choose to see and and use it and reuse it. i pray, lord, that we never allow ourselves to stop thinking for your Glory. always for your glory.
you see. once we get out of ourselves, we truly find ourselves. iHeart talked about this i-centered culture. ipods. iPhone. iTunes. I love this. i love that. i am going to the store this afternoon. i love hotdogs. They asked people what they loved. swimming, hotdogs, money... and it made me think of how much i really do think of the big 'I' during my day. where am I going to go to college? when will i get a boyfriend? will i own my own buisness or coffee shop one day? what should i major in? so many thoughts. all about I. and i've wasted so much time. the truth is. if i didn't go to college, i'd still get into heaven, but if i don't stip thinking about myself, THEY might not. If i go to a movie today and invite only church people all the time, i'd still get into heaven, but THEY might not have seen love today. "Charity begins today. Today somebody is suffering, today somebody is in the street, today somebody is hungry. Our work is for today, yesterday has gone, tomorrow has not yet come- today, we have only today to make Jesus known, loved, served, fed, clothed, sheltered, etc. Today- do not wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow might not come. Tomorrow we will not have them if we do not feed them today." (Mother Teresa 1991)
We've got today to start not caring about only ourselves, but, more than, that is that we've got only today to start caring for someone else. Yes, i still have to go do my math homework. but i all too often forget that i can do just as much sitting in my room, praying while doing my math homework, as i can do in a homeless shelter or at school. becuase i'm not the one doing it. God is. all the time. he's doing it through us. so whether we are praying or working God is still working toward His same purposes. there is only one will of God. and if we allow Him to work in us, then there is no way He'd work any other will but His own. cause it's not about us. it's about him. when it comes down to eternity, nothing I said or did will matter. But only what i allowed God to do through me. He'll ask me what i did with what He gave me. Did i multiply His gift or did i selfishly and fearfully bury it in a hole. My funeral won't even matter. People might try to make it something big. they might try and make it about me. But their efforts will be pointless. No matter how hard or long i try to make things all about me, i will never succeed. It's about God. And other people. The sooner i realize that and start living in constant regards to that, the sooner i will find consistency. There are people out there who need us. People who if we don't get our act together by the grace of God and start serving them, might die before we get to show them the love of Jesus. I know the job is big. i know it. but what has He given you? Deal with that today? has He showed you a need today? work to fulfill that need until He gives you a new one. If you cannot physically provide for that need, then pray. He expects you to use what He's given you. Has he equipped you to help the poor in third world countries? Yes? then go do it. No? then pray for them and start filling another need He's given you the supplies to fill. Has He eqpuipped you to help the people in Hollywood? Where has he put you? Start there. Then move outward. From Jerusalem to Judea and Samaria, then to the ends of the earth. From the inside out. From where you are------> outward. If you don't know where to start, pray. Then start somewhere. What has he equipped you with? Look at your talents. Use them. I've always wondered how my everyday life can be used for the glory of God. We as humans glorify certain gifts He's given people. "She's so good at writing music. That brings glory to God." "He's so good at preaching. THAT must bring more glory to God." no. what has he talented you with? Gifted you with? Are you good at juggling. PRAY ABOUT IT AND FIND A WAY TO USE IT FOR THE GLORY OF GOD. Remember though- your gift He's given you is a gift. It never for one second is ours in the first place. Using your talents is like sending God a Thank-You card. So thank him. I forget that all too often.
In Jesus' name i pray and praise and thank the Lord who has allowed me to write.
Amen
"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2then make my joy complete by being like minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. 3Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. 4Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: 6Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross! 9Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, 10that at the name of Jesus, every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. 12 Therefor, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed- not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence- continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13for it is God who workds in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. 14Do everything without complainging or arguing, 15so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16 as you hold out the word of life- in order that i may boast on the day of Christ that i did not run or labor for nothing. 17But even if i am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, i am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18So you too should be glad and rejoice with me."
-Philippians 2:1-18
